2.26.14
It has only been ten days since I opened kik to find a message from a total stranger that I had been found. Such confidence piqued my curiosity and prompted me to respond. Only 10 days since our first conversation in which He made it very clear that it was His intention to claim me, to make me His. Only 10 days since I knew I wouldn't resist Him when He did.
10 days... Is that even possible?
The last time I experienced anything even remotely as intense as the last 10 days, it took me two and half years to finally give up and think about finding someone else to satisfy the hungers of my submissive heart. I was only able to then because he was absolutely adamant that no matter how tempted he was to pick my leash back up he would never do it and I had finally become convinced of that.
So, reluctantly, I started looking again this past October.
I found a fun, sexy, playful deviant right away. Lots of chemistry... loads of it, but no D/s experience. I adore him completely... have no idea how I would make it through the day without him, but we just couldn't work in the ways of D/s.
Then there was J. So fucking amazing at issuing instructions, so beautifully powerfully Dominant... but he needs to save all of the lost submissives. Just one of me and online only was never going to be enough. I was released after 2 weeks of consideration. We remain friends and when my submissive needs are trying to claw me to pieces from the inside out, He will lovingly take my lead for a short while until I can see straight again. We agreed a while back that while there is amazing chemistry between us, there is just no real way for us to make it work.
On the heels of that was football Dave. He was intense. Pursued me relentlessly until I gave in. Demanded total devotion and dependence and received it (several of my posts here are about Him). Our conversations left me shaking, his tasks all consuming. He took complete ownership of me. We were going to meet, were making long term plans then one day out of the blue he tells me he's grown bored. He thinks I'm wonderful but... yeah... no, he's done. I was released 6 weeks in. Blocked. Never spoken to again.
Picking up the broken pieces of me from that one was S. My wonderful, sweet S. I nudged his inner dominant, but I think we both knew that that is not who he is at his core. We play lustfully, but that one didn't work out either.
Then the professor kept me entertained for a while in sexy DM's where he demanded complete and utter submission but wouldn't take it anywhere else. The sexting was fun, but I needed more and he could not give me that. (First part of April, I was blocked, deleted... walked away from... again.)
I didn't even get the name of the next one. I liked him so much. Some good potential but my real life circumstances kept tripping him up. And this one... yeah, I didn't handle this one so well... at all. Definitely not one of my proudest moments, to be sure. We aren't exactly on speaking terms now... But, While I was trying to decide how to maybe let this one go and just fucking stop looking, stop dreaming, stop hoping that it might ever happen again for me, He found me.
He. With his amazing eyes and fucking sexy accent. His demanding, commanding presence and His creative tasking. His in depth and utter Domination. That look on His face when I am following His instructions. When His attention is turned on me, no one else, nothing else mattered. I felt like the center of His world and He quickly became the center of mine. He brought me from skepticism and doubt to adoring, obedient, devotion to terrible devastation and poignant melancholy in those 10 long days. I see His face when I close my eyes, I hear His voice in my head all the time... He is my first thought upon waking and my last thought as I drift to sleep... and He wonders why I would stay available to Him. As if there is a choice for me.
There is not. I was done trying before He found me. I am not going to look anymore now that He has released me. I am tired of getting my hopes up only to have them dashed. I can't take the sort of roller coaster of emotions that comes from looking everywhere else for something I believe I have found in Him. If He never comes back for me, then He never comes back for me. But if He should come back, He will find me here... just where He left me.
