The comment was made by a Dom on my twitter timeline. It was along the lines that he rarely ever makes the first move with a sub, but instead waits for her to approach him. That he does not ask or demand her submission, instead waits for her to offer it. He feels like this is a very submissive act.
It sparked an interesting conversation. I am going to discuss this topic from my perspective as a sub who is active in both the online and real time BDSM communities. I firmly believe there is no one true way to do anything in our lifestyle. These are my thoughts, my opinions and they may, wholly or in part, differ from everyone else's. Please feel free to discuss in the comments, BUT be nice.
There seemed to be two very distinct sides. Those who agree that the sub should make the approach and the offer and those who say that most subs would be uncomfortable being that assertive with a Dom. There didn't seem to be much middle ground or thoughts of leaving it up to the situation to dictate who approached who.
Let me clarify that the approach, as I am referring to it in this post, is the private approach, not the initial public, open room / timeline approach. The first email, DM, text, phone call, secluded area of a play party. The private approach where an admission of attraction and chemistry happens. The time when the water is tested to see if that attraction is reciprocated. This is not the very first encounter between possible sub and possible Dom. It is the approach where things are moved from public encounters to more private ones. Where things have the potential to move from fun and flirty to something much more serious.
I am of the first school of thought. I believe the sub should initiate this change in the dynamic. I believe this for a couple of different reasons.
It empowers her. It is her decision, unaffected by his powers of persuasion.
It is safer for her.
It is less confusing for her.
It is a beautiful offering for her.
And, at this point, for her, it is still about her. When things move along, that usually changes, but at this point in the relationship, she is responsible for herself, her safety and well being and it should be about her.
It empowers her. It is her decision, unaffected by his powers of persuasion: Ultimately, no matter how you slice it, the decision to submit your will to another's is your decision as is who you decide to submit to. It is empowering to be the one to take the first step. It is important to know that YOU choose him... that YOU willing took the first step in his direction. Dominant men can be very persuasive. It is usually one of the things we love the most about them. But this decision should not be colored by his influence.
**Personal note: I have made the first approach a handful of times, far fewer than the number of times that I have been approached. It has always been a better dynamic and it has always been a better ending when I made the first step than when I am pursued and convinced to submit. Every time.**
It is safer for her: This one, specifically, hits close to home in the online places. I'm not sure about other submissives on Twitter and other online places, like fetlife, and possibly other dating / fetish sites, but I am approached, at least, every couple of days by Dominants on Twitter or fet in private... in my messages or DMs. Most of these messages come with very little to no actual prior interaction between me and the sender. Honestly, to me, this feels like the equivalent of being trapped alone in a dark corner of the dungeon by an unknown aggressive Dom, who chose that location, that moment, empty of other people, to isolate me to find out if I am owned, under protection, or if I am even looking. Some don't even ask these questions. They just show up in the messages making demands and assumptions that I'm just going to fall at their feet. Just a clue... If you are a Dom who behaves this way... Stop it!
It sends my defenses screaming to full power to be approached in such a way, especially if we have interacted very little or not at all previous to this message. Submission is not a game to me. It's not just role play. I am in search of a Dom that I have an undeniable chemistry with. A Dom who exudes quite strength and composure. Aggressive but in the right timing, in the right way. I, and many other subs I know, are not going to fall down at a Doms feet just because he says he is a Dom and tells us too.
When I've decided to approach a Dom, it means that I feel safe enough with him to do so. That generally only comes from interacting with him in the safety of a public venue... the timelines, the forums, chat rooms, across a munch table, etc. Even as it feels safer to me to be the one making the approach, it is also scary at the same time. I may think I know if he is interested or not, but there is always the chance for rejection. So Doms if you are approached, be nice. Having said that, knowing myself and what sort of man intrigues me, I am very confident that I would not approach a Dom who wouldn't know how to gracefully decline a sub's overtures.
It is less confusing for her. What I mean by this is, that if I approach a Dominant, I am doing so because I feel safe doing so. I am doing so because I feel like some sort of connection has been made. It is my choice to do so. It is a clear headed decision unaffected by anything but my own thoughts and desires.
When I am approached by some Dom types it's very easy for me to know that they are a terrible fit for me, and fairly easy to shake them. But some have such a direct and overwhelming effect on my submissive center that my brain just sort of shuts down and takes a little mini vacation while I let someone I barely know, influence my decision making. Because it is in my nature to submit, strong Dominant men who I have a natural chemistry with can confuse things for me if they are not self-aware enough to recognize the effect that they have on me and be careful with that influence or if they do recognize it and just don't care enough to be responsible with it. This has happened a time or two and it was disastrous and very damaging for me, which is why my defenses go screaming sky high when I am approached first.
It's beautiful to offer yourself: The gentleman who started this thread of thought said that he believed the act of taking the first step to be a very submissive act and I agree with him completely. The first time I contact a Dominant privately (especially online), in my mind, the approach is done tentatively, sweetly, gracefully and yes, even a bit shyly (I know, shocker. But, in this situation, yes... shyly). When I make that contact, in private, it is because I am interested in the possibilities. I don't fall down on my knees and offer to serve. At least not, wholly. But if I am the one that makes the first contact, you can know confidently, that the thought has crossed my mind. That moment, while I wait for you to respond, is the first truly vulnerable moment for me. It's the first time I've offered you anything that will give you the power to hurt me in anyway. That is a scary moment for me. It is what you do with that vulnerability, with that power... that will determine the rest of the story for us.
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