Introspection about talking dirty

4.14.14

I learned something about myself today. Want to hear about it? Of course you do. So I will sweetly oblige and tell you all about it. Actually two things. If the first ones doesn’t take a gazillion words to express, maybe I’ll mention the second one too.

So today was all about words... verbal expression... verbal submission.

I am a lover of words, specifically written words. I fancy myself a pretty decent writer, even… when I put my mind to it, anyway. I’ve been writing erotica since junior high and when I discovered sexting, it was almost as good as sex to me. A strong man with a well used vocabulary can make me very weak in the knees with nary a touch, only his words. He can also make me squirmy, wet, floaty and if he’s really good and the words arranged just so, he can make me cum without a touch.

I also love the spoken word. I am a firm believer that the words you speak shape your world. So whether you speak negative things or positive things you will have what you speak. The problem with the spoken word is simply that once you have spoken it, you cannot take it back into your mouth and correct the misspoken bits and pieces before they fall upon the ears of those around you.

I can write some of the steamiest, raunchiest, naughtiest erotica you might ever lay eyes upon, but ask me to read that story to you or tell it to you, verbally … I will be at a total loss. My cheeks will blush, my heart will race and my lips will seize up completely. I will not be able to do it.

Ask me to talk dirty in bed  and I will probably act like I didn’t hear you and moan a little louder to show you that we don’t need words… we have noises… Ask me to tell you in explicit detail about a sexual fantasy of mine and the blushing, the racing heart and the closed lips will happen. Everything that slips out of my mouth will sound forced, unnatural, and not sexy at all. That is, if, I can even get any words out.

Now, ask me to write you a note or a story telling you explicitly what I want you to do to me and you will get a story that will knock your socks off (usually anyway). But even asking me to write or text what I would say to you in bed or any other such situation and there will just be no words. My mind will suddenly be a blank slate.

I have wondered for years, why this is. What is the mental block? I think today, I figured it out.

During the course of our conversation today, he texted, “If you explain sufficiently and passionately enough that your entire purpose is to be my toy, I will reward you with my cum in your mouth and on your face.” 

*sigh* dang it… The words… the words always kill me. I tried to brush it off, saying something about speaking in sexual situations being my mental kryptonite. It piqued his interest as that text was followed by…

“Picture yourself naked, kneeling before me, my collar around your neck and your leash in my hand. Tell me your deepest fantasy.”

There were no words. Wait, let me rephrase that… there were lots of words. I have lots of fantasies. Some pretty mild and others very dark. I share them in six word tweets and tumblr posts. I don’t whisper them to a strong and powerful man while kneeling at his feet. I couldn’t even type them out when my mind had me in that position. I was blushing just thinking about it.

Even mentioning that good girls who do what they’re told to do get rewarded, I still couldn’t put the words together. So he gave me a little task to complete in solitude of my office. I was to imagine being on my knees before him as described earlier and simply say, out loud, “May I please suck your cock, Sir.” That was it… seven little words. It took me several minutes to get the words out of my mouth and even then, they came out barely a whisper and I could only do it with my eyes closed. My cheeks were so hot, blushing like crazy. But… I was rewarded with the praise I’ve come to love.  And the conversation continued.

A little bit later, we came to a place in the conversation where I playfully mentioned how much he might like to have my pussy wrapped tightly around his cock with my lips close to his ear, every breath, every moan and every word punctuated with his thrusting. That brought the question from him, “What would you say to me as I punished your pussy?”

Crap… another request for more spoken words. (I know, I know… this is what good Dominant men do to willing subby girls… they push them, they stretch them. They find the areas where they need growth and they help them grow. As much as I was blushing during the conversation, I admit, I loved the gentle pushing.)

But. Still… nothing. Not one single sexy phrase would come to my head, slip off my tongue… I put myself, mentally, in that position, under his hand, his cock buried violently inside of me, pounding away… what could I say, what would I say… the only thing that came to mind was that I would say anything he told me too.

But he wanted my thoughts, my most twisted desires and raunchiest fantasies whispered against his ear. He didn't want words he gave me whispered back to him. What would he learn about me from that? What would I learn about me? Nothing.

But that is the extent of my experience with verbally sharing fantasies in that sort of sexually charged situation.

(History lesson: Many of you know, some of you don’t, but this is my secret life. In my real life I am married. I have a family. A job, kids, the whole nine yards.)

So my husband might say, who do you belong to? I know the answer to that… You. I belong to you. Do you love it when I fuck you? I know the answer to that. Oh yes, I love it when you fuck me. You’re such a little slut aren’t you? Know the answer to that one too, Yes, I’m a little slut.

Don’t get me wrong, this is a very hot, intense exchange of constants and vowels punctuated with grunts, and groans, and cries of pleasure but it’s pretty basic. Simple. It doesn’t require much of me. It’s also very safe. It’s all about him and the moment we’re in. Now when the subject of fantasies is brought up that’s a wholly other thing. Start talking about fantasies and you open up a whole can of worms. Some of which might be darker or more twisted than my husband is prepared to hear that I am interested in. I know, from hard learned experience, that many of my fantasies scare my husband, they turn him off, they make him look at me like… who the hell are you and where is my wife. So I have learned over the years to keep certain fantasies to myself. To dream of them only when my eyes were closed or I was alone.

I share them in my secret places like here, my twitter, my tumblr. I don’t share them where he can see and I never, ever talk about them out loud. So when it comes to completing the request today of telling, in detail, what I want done to me or what I might be doing to him… I froze up.

Here comes the part where I learned something today. I learned that part of the reason that I freeze up and get so blushy is simply that while I have a seriously wide naughty streak in this sweet, normal girl shell, it always surprises me just how naughty I can be and it makes me blush, makes me feel shy and makes it hard for me to be brazenly naughty. But what I learned today is that there is an element of fear and rejection that goes along with it because of my real life situation.

When I do find a way to open up and verbally express those desires to have that openness met with fear, jealousy or outright disgust quickly causes me to pull back into myself and keep those fantasies and twisted thoughts much closer to myself.

Now I’m being asked to find my inner slut and share the darkest fantasies I have with a man I find myself desperately wanting to please. What I know is this. There is not a single desire that I can think of having that would put even a morsel of fear or jealousy in this man. None that he would be reluctant to help me achieve. Every naughty fantasy I have would be sweet music to his ears if I could reveal them to him. There would be heat and lust and desire created that would be more intense than possibly anything I’ve experienced before. For the first time in as long as I can remember I felt like I could have said anything in response to his request, given him any of the deepest darkest corners of my mind and he would have reveled in that darkness, licked it up and exposed my very core to his probing, to his curiosity and ultimately to his satisfaction.

Bring

Out

That

Filthy

Slut.

I want her.

His words have an immediate and direct effect on my libido, my panties and my desire to do the things he wants me to do. 

ownership across the miles - long distance D/s

These are my thoughts on online or long distance D/s. At the end of the article I have listed some resources that I came across recently while researching the topic further.

On my journey to discover my inner submissive, I am restricted by my real life circumstances, and limited in the ways in which I am able to explore that part of myself. The only submission I can explore at this time in my life is long distance / online submission or as I have recently heard it called cyber submission.

I know that a lot of people in the lifestyle think this sort of submission is a joke. To those who have seriously engaged in it, it is not a joke. We know it's not the same as hands on, face to face D/s... but some people may never experience that and this is what we can experience.

I've written about it a couple of times here because it is a huge part of my journey and I know that I cannot be the only person who is limited to this sort of exploration. One of the most important parts of a long distance D/s (LDD/s) dynamic is how to continually engage both sides of the slash. How to keep things interesting and intriguing and rewarding for both. I believe it requires an excellent imagination, devotion, adoration and creativity from both sides.

With that thought in mind I did a twitter poll yesterday to see what some of the other LDD/s do to keep things fresh, interesting and everyone in the proper mindset of ownership and being owned. There were some really great ideas that I want to organize, share and comment on. I'm also going to add to the list some of the things that have really worked for me throughout this journey. One positive to having been considered by so many is that I have been exposed to a lot of Dom styles and tasks.

Without further ado (that's how that goes, yes?) here is the list and my accompanying thoughts:

>> Have the sub kneel each morning for a certain period of time to clear her mind and help her focus for the day.
I can see this being very effective. As someone whose mind chatters constantly it might be a struggle to get it to shut up and sit down for a few minutes, though. I wonder if given certain things to specifically concentrate on would help with that. 

>> Texting a predetermined phrase each morning / evening / between activities / etc... to the Dom... such as "Good morning, Sir. Today I am yours."
In any good long distance relationship I've been in, the Dom has been the first thing on my mind as my mind begins to come up from the dregs of sleep and usually the last as I drift off.  To know that He was awaiting that message, that He wanted to know what time I woke up, that He was the first person I thought of as I did... that would leave me feeling very owned, very secure in the knowledge of my place. 

>> Along those same lines, I had a Dom who required me to text each time I left one place to go to another. It was his desire to know where I was at any point in the part of the day that belonged to him. I was concerned about this one b/c I had been in a very controlling marriage and it was not good for me. The difference was that my Dom didn't care what I was doing or where I was going. He just wanted to know so that he could gauge his attention, tasks, etc. accordingly. For the period of time we were together (6 weeks), it worked for us without growing tiring or trying.

>> Taking control of certain things, certain decisions that would be made by the Dominant. Such as nail color, daily hair style, panty or clothing choices, jewelry choices, or daily activities such as being allowed to participate in social media that day or not.
I actually really like this one quite a lot. With one of my Doms the rule was that he would decide what panties I would wear each day. I had to text him a photo of a few choices with enough time for him to get back to me with a decision. If I had to leave or get dressed before his decision was returned, I had to go commando. Even on the weekends (which were very challenging) I had to figure out a way to do this.... I'm sure that somewhere I've mentioned how much I enjoy a challenge, yes? ;) I think with this sort of decision making, it would leave the sub feeling owned every time she looked in a mirror, adjusted the skirt He picked out, looked down at the nail color he chose. I figure if He is going to see my hands in photos and videos quite often, he should enjoy looking at them. Choosing a color he likes or a style that I wouldn't normally choose seems like a small thing, but every time the Dom and the sub caught sight of that visible obedience the power exchange would be strengthened.

>> Writing on her skin. Having her write a phrase or a word somewhere discreet where she will see it throughout the day, but where no one else should be able to see it.
This is an absolute favorite. As an added touch of exerting your ownership, ask for photos throughout the day of the word(s)... as if you had just walked up to her wherever she was and slid her blouse aside so that you could see your marks on her skin, a photo of that moment sent to you. I imagine that would be extremely gratifying for both sides of the slash esp., if (like most of us) her phone (camera) is never very far from her hand... so she should be able to snap that photo on demand (discreetly, of course) *wicked grin*

>> Tasks.
I could write all day on this one thought. Tasking, at least for me, is absolutely vital to maintain the sense of ownership across the miles. I don't even care what kind of task it is. Sexual tasks, great. do some research, great. Go to bed by a certain time, be at the office by a certain time, send a photo once your dressed or when you take a bath or whenever, write in my journal everyday, etc. I am a sucker for clear, concise instructions given by a strong, Dominant man who EXPECTS me to follow those instructions. Set daily tasking or out of the blue impromptu tasking. All of it works to establish and maintain the power exchange that both sides need. 

>> Rituals.
If there are things that you, as the Dom, would have your sub do for you if you could be together such as prepare and serve your coffee or draw your bath, etc. You could have her do those things for you even when you are not there. To prepare a cup of coffee to His specifications, to serve it in a way that would be expected of me if He were present (naked, on my knees, offering it up to Him or standing quietly as He took His first sip) -- I'm not sure how that would make me feel. Not sure if I would feel silly serving a cup of coffee to no one or if it would soothe me to be able to perform the act of service. I'm just not sure about this one. 

>> Watching her online activity.
I know without question that I love love love love this one which shocks the hell out of me and always has. But there is something about knowing that He is watching me, watching those I interact with, reading the words I write and seeing the pictures I post. It's so fucking hot. Now, there is a disclaimer here. It can't be done in a suffocating, jealous rage, looking for reasons to punish sort of way. But if He watches with the intention of learning more about me from the way I interact with others, if he uses the things I write and the things I post as doors to open communication with me about my desires, my fears, my dark places... if He watches with the intent to keep me safe from myself and from others and out of a genuine curiosity to know more about me... yes.that. always. 

>> Journaling. Writing in a journal of some sort. That could be a public journal like this one, a private online journal that only the two of you have access too or a hand written journal.
I love journaling. For me it is almost a necessity to help me work through the emotions and feelings that come with submitting and the pushing that goes naturally hand in hand with that. I also think my journal provides an insight for my Dom into things that He would know if we were together, but with a long distance relationship, those things are sometimes difficult to decipher. If we are texting and He sends an instruction that causes me hesitation, he won't see that hesitation as he would if that instruction were issued face to face. But it is there for a reason. That reason needs to be sorted. When the day comes to an end and I journal about it, that hesitation would be part of the journal. He would then be aware of it. We could then get to the heart of it and He would then know one more little thing about my responses and reactions that He wouldn't have otherwise known about. One of the biggest challenges of long distance is conveying the emotions evoked by your partner. There MUST be a way to ensure they know how they effect you and they need to know it in as intimately a way as possible, as close to the way they would know it or see it if you were in person, face to face when it happened.

>> Consistency.
This is a huge one for me. I like routines. I need to know when I can expect my Dom to be available to me. If we spend all day everyday of the week texting and suddenly on a Tuesday afternoon I don't hear from Him for 3 or 4 hours, my head is going to do me completely in by the time He gets back. Maybe He had a pop up meeting at work, or His mom stopped by and wouldn't shut up... it won't matter, those unexpectedly out of touch hours will drive me to the edge of madness wondering what I did to send him running in the other direction. The flip side of that is simply letting me know He would be away for a while or had a busy day in front of Him, would make that a completely different day for me. The consistency bleeds into every area, not just the availability issue. But, if one day something I do on Twitter is ok and another day (based soley on His mood) it isn't that is going to set me up for some unhappy insecurities. If one day He disciplines for a broken rule, a sassy mouth, a bad attitude, disobedience, etc., and another day He doesn't (for whatever reason) it confuses the sub... it also gives strong subs a toehold that any good Dom is not going to want to give her. Be very careful to be consistent. I don't know a single sub who can function well under an inconsistent Dom.

>> Communication.
Just like with any relationship and maybe even more so with a D/s relationship and even more so with a long distance one... communication is absolutely and totally vital. Open, honest, candid communication at every step, every turn. You have to be able to discuss what you want, what you need and what you absolutely won't do. You have to be able to express your emotions (as your going through them) so that each of you knows what the other thinks, feels, expects. When something happens and things feel a little broken, a little strained... you have to be able to pull that thing out of your head and put it on the table and both of you get our your picking tools and get down to the business of figuring it out. 

>> Technology. Smart phones, KIK, YouTube, Skype, facetime, Whatsapp... just to name a few. In today's day and age, with the technology at our fingertips we can know the contours of each others faces, fingertips, whole bodies. We can know the sounds of pleasure our partner's make as they do things to themselves that we would do if there with them. We can know each others' O face and whether we scream or grunt or growl as we cum. We can watch our partners shake and shiver in satisfaction. A Dom can see the delicious torment on His sub's face when He edges her, can hear the agony in her voice as she obeys His command to stop. He can know what it looks like for her to be on her knees for Him. He can visually inspect her, He can make her watch as He strokes Himself off. There are endless possibilities for creativity.

>> Punishment. Can this be done long distance? Oh yes. It can.
I think the main thing a long distance Dom has to do is get out of the physical punishment mind set. A Dom could require his sub to spank herself and I'm sure she will. The question is can she ever deliver the blow with the same meaning as you could. For me any sort of impact play that I will be performing on myself should be for the enjoyment of us both. I'm not sure how effective a physical punishment would be for me. Now, having said that... there are some physical punishments that would be very effective. Kneeling on rice. Banding nipples a time or two tighter than you might for pleasurable nipple play. A stool or mat with upturned bottle caps that is to be sat on or stood on for a period of time, video'd or marks photographed afterwards are just a few examples. Another very effective punishment is all mental. I did something one time and the Dom who had me under consideration told me that because of what I had done I was not to speak to Him for the next four hours. I thought to myself... ok, I can handle that. But, then he started texting me. Telling me that he was talking to another sub, a well behaved sub. Texting me random tormenting things. When I would think about responding and started to type (he could see if I was typing) He gave me the equivalent of "the look" for an in person Dom, keeping me quiet, my fingers still. It was a very, very long four hours. Exceptionally effective. Punishment can most certainly be done long distance. It just requires creativity. 

Added (4.18.14)

>> Spend time together. Sounds strange, I know. How do you spend time together when you're hundreds of miles apart? Simple. You play on twitter, you play on fetlife, you text or IM throughout the day, you skype or facetime, you talk on the phone. Spend time together every day.
This one is of the utmost importance to me in my submission. I need my Dom's attention. I need to know that I can reach out for Him and He is only a few keystrokes away. My first Dom and I spent pretty much all day, every day of the work "together". We opened g-chat when we got to our offices and it stayed open all day. Some days we talked all day, other days it was just nice knowing He was just on the other side of that chat box. With others since that one, I've done skype and phone calls and lots and lots of texting. Just like any relationship, you have to spend time together to get to know each other, to figure each other out, to be better for each other. And, I don't know about you, but I WANT that time. I look forward to it with eager anticipation every day and I can be restless and unsettled without it. Make each other a priority in your daily lives.

>> Experience all the things. Do the things. If you don't know what it is like to sit in a certain position for a certain period time, do it and then you will be able to make accurate descriptions of that activity during play. If you don't know how being a human footstool would make you feel, actually get down in that position and fill your mind with the scene, feel his boots on your back, what would you be thinking, what would you be feeling? Stay there until you get your head around it. Your Dom can help with this by describing the things he would be feeling, the things he might do or say while you were under his feet like that. LDDs is very mental, it requires an active imagination and a well used vocabulary, but you can and should add as much of the hands on physical parts as possible.
One of my last Doms and I used to talk about me being his personal coffee table in the mornings and having to hold still enough while on all fours that he could place his coffee cup on my back and it not be spilled. I tried and tried to get my head around whether or not I could do that. Finally, I gave up thinking about and decided to do it. I asked him what kind of coffee cup he drank his coffee from. He sent me a photo and i had a cup just like it in my kitchen. Tall, tapered, ceramic. I asked him how he took his coffee. I made the cup of coffee as if i were going to be serving it to him. I rinsed the cup in hot water first, as he instructed (just a tad bit of a sadist) and set up the webcam to record my efforts for him. It took me several tries and much sweet, sticky coffee streaming over my bottom and the backs of my thighs, slipping over the nakedness between my legs (b/c of course, I was naked... he wouldn't have me serve coffee any other way *grins*) before I figured out the proper width of my knees and flatness of my back to make it work. I video'd all of it for him. I wanted him to see that I really wanted to experience the things we talked about. I wanted him to enjoy watching my owie face as the hot coffee slid over my skin and I wanted him to see that i could be his coffee table... to see to what lengths I would go to, to please him. I no longer have to try to figure out how i would feel if my Dom wanted to use me for a coffee table. I KNOW how difficult it is, i KNOW the reality of how still I have to be, how my arms and legs start to shake and my breathing gets shallow, how difficult it is to keep the position and just how much hot coffee over pussy lips is a delicious sort of pain. I also know how sticky it is when it dries b/c i wasn't allowed to clean up what I spilled for a while. Experience the things. Run the rope through your nipple rings and tie it off to your big toes so you'll KNOW how that feels. Hit yourself with your flogger, your crop, your paddle so when you are playing with others, you can actually describe in real detail that experience. I am not a fan of golden showers... not my thing, but the same Dom from the coffee story loves them. He wanted me to experience one. So he had me fill a turkey baster with hot water and kneeling on all fours in the bathtub release the water over my lower back and ass. He had sent me a very descriptive text of what I was supposed to be thinking about while I did it to get as much out of the experience as possible, including to visualize the smell, the words he would have been saying to me and the thoughts that would be going through his head. It was incredibly effective. 

Wow... If you made it all the way to the bottom, I'm impressed and thank you for sticking around through all the words :) Hopefully it makes sense and possibly helps anyone considering a long distance dynamic with ways to keep it interesting for both sides. Did I miss something? Do you have something that works in your dynamic? Share it in the comments below :)

ADDITIONAL RESOURCES (I will add information here as I come across it):

Cyber Submission and Exploring D/s online - a very good post about safety and the reasons why online D/s might be the right choice for your exploration.

Online BDSM - A lot of this one is about cyber chat room role play (which is really not what my LDDs is about) but there is some good information in here.

Online BDSM - some of this seems a little outdated but there is some good information in here especially about the dommy mcdomertons.

laughing gas

4.11.14

On Tuesday, I had to have a tooth pulled. Not very sexy, I know. But, something rather sexy did happen. 

While I was waiting for the oral surgeon, I was having quite an interesting chat on Twitter with a few people about humiliation play in it's variety of forms and how different Dominants and submissives react to it, what forms of it they love and which forms of it they hate. It was a very hot conversation. 

Involved in the conversation was a newly acquired twitter friend, the Reverend. I like the way he thinks and his direct, no bull shit way of talking about things. I had perused his pictures and some of his tweets and there were many lovely and decadently evil photos of him with knives and floggers and several other owie tools. He is a good looking man. Commanding. Direct. Tempting. Dangerous. So many of my favorite things. 

Apart from our group conversation on humiliation, he had said a couple of things to me in regards to my nerves about having my tooth pulled that had done right well to soothe and calm me... instructing me to imagine my Master having told me to have the dental work done, that it had been taken out of my hands and I was only following instructions (which I happen to be very good at doing). 

Finally the time came to get in the chair and get on with the yanking out of the tooth. I tried to calm myself. I tried to imagine my Master instructing me to be a good girl, to be strong and be calm. To still myself. It worked a little bit, but when the oral surgeon started sticking his needle in my gums, I had a little bit of a panic attack. I actually cried it was so stressful. I couldn't get my mouth to open, I was so nervous. Finally the oral surgeon got really ticked and walked away.

The nurse came over and asked if I wanted to try the laughing gas to help me relax and not be so nervous. At this point I was willing to try anything. So, I was told it would be a few minutes until the gas was available. I used that time to put my headphones in and take a few deep breaths. I was feeling much calmer when the oral surgeon came back over and popped the gas mask thingy over my nose. "Deep breaths, in through your nose, out through your mouth," were his instructions. I started breathing and suddenly my head was swimming and I was sinking.

Images started to float around in my mind. A dark, chilly room. Rough brick walls and cold cement floors. I was naked, cuffed, lashed to a cross with the Reverend behind me... floggers in hand, a wicked grin on His lips. I felt the floggers kiss my skin several times and I sank lower and lower with each blow. I was floating. I felt Him slide up behind me, close. I could feel His clothes against the warmth of my skin. His hand in my hair, fisted tightly. "Open." He growled into my neck, pulling my head back almost painfully. I opened my mouth. 

"Wider." He commanded with a sharp tug on my hair. I moaned, opened wider. "Good... Good... Just like that." He said soothingly. He slid the fingers of His other hand into my mouth and using the handful of hair, He slid my mouth over His fingers several times... roughly yanking my head back and forth to stroke His fingers like a cock. I sank further. The edges blurred. The world disappeared. 

Almost as quickly as it had begun, the edges became less blurry. The fog lifted. The cool, clinical room around me began to sharpen back into focus and the lovely, tempting darkness of the dream slipped away with the last wispy tendrils of laughing gas. 

The extraction was complete. The ordeal was over. I don't know why they call it laughing gas. I didn't laugh at all. But, I am very sure I almost came... at least once or twice and I left that chair purring like a kitten, the flesh on my back craving a floggers' kiss. 

more than the fantasy

Talking to a friend tonight on twitter and the conversation turned, like it sometimes does, to the restrictions I am bound by in my real life. (Maybe a whole other post on this some day).

The one thing that was said that I found myself focusing on was that I want more than the fantasy and so I created my secret world... Angel, my twitter, this blog, my tumblr, to find that. My secret place to fill the needs that I cannot fill in my real life.

The thing that caused the sharp focus on this train of thought tonight was simply that I think maybe he misunderstood my comment about wanting more than the fantasy. To a girl in my position, there are a few different levels to the fantasy vs. the reality.

Fantasy - There is play without commitment. Simply two people who have a decently good chemistry getting each other off... sexting, phone, skype... whatever works. No commitment, no strings, no jealousy. Just naughty play that hopefully results in both parties cumming and temporarily satisfied.

Fantasy - There are the friends with benefits. Almost the same as play but there is a level of commitment there. A promise to be careful with each other, to be considerate of each other, and to still be there for each other when everyone is done getting off.

Fantasy - DsFWB or surrogates. These are the people who you may have a wonderful D/s sort of connection with but for whatever reason it just doesn't work when you try to take it out of the realm of fantasy and into the realm of more. These people can help you when your skin is crawling off your bones and all you need are feet to sit calmly at or tasks to complete to bring your spinning head back to earth or the opposite of that, when you need a leash in your hand, a compliant and obedient submissive to calm your need to Dominate. You can help each other out. This is still fantasy to me. It only matters when it is needed. It is not all the time, there is not a total commitment required.

Then there are those who you meet and your souls collide in a fiery, unmistakable collision of lust and need and immediate knowledge that there will be more to this than play... more than just fantasy. This can be with someone in your real life or someone online. The miles between will not matter when this smashing together of auras happens. This, for me, is where fantasy ends and more than fantasy begins.

Many people feel like online or long distance relationships of any sort are just fantasy, but I know different. I know that those connections can be made, maintained, overwhelming even if the people involved never meet. I know it can happen if they never even lay eyes on each other or hear each other's voices. I have been a part of that exact thing.

When I say I want more than the fantasy, I am not necessarily talking about requiring face to face, hands on interaction. What I want is for it to be more than a game, more than just play. I want the effort and I want to make the effort. I want to be the temptation and to be tempted. I want the commitment, I want to belong to Him. I want to feel His presence across the miles reaching for me as I sleep, beside me as I wake and every minute of the day. I want His thoughts, His desires, His lust, His adoration, His devotion. I want to give Him all of that. I want expectations, rules, demands, boundaries. I want Him to watch over me, monitor me, protect me. I don't want to be someone who just helps Him get off occasionally, someone to call only when His cock gets hard. I want to be the reason His cock gets hard. I want to be the reason He looks forward to the day.. the reason He constantly comes up with new and creative torments, tasks, assignments, and play.

In the technological world we live in today, the miles almost don't matter. There are so many ways to connect that even a long distance relationship can intensify across the miles... can develop into something very, very real and very, very far from fantasy and play. With even the slightest ability to travel, the possibilities become even more exciting. Even if it is only one meeting or 100 meetings. The hands on adds to the depth of the more than fantasy relationship.

When I say that I developed my secret life to experience more than the fantasy... this is what I meant. I want more than games. I want to experience submission to a strong, demanding Dominant man who adores me at the same time His mind races with ways to push me, to torment me, to get my mascara running down my cheeks and cum running down my thighs and the ways in which He can witness and be an active part of that happening.

One day...

Catching up

I haven't written here in a while. Actually I had returned all of my previous writings to drafts and left this blank for several months. I have decided that maybe I should write again. I picked a few of the old posts out and published them again.

Some of them are written about my previous Doms, some about the one day Dom and some are just me rambling on...

I will start again from today April 8.

Anyway, if you stop by here, I hope you enjoy what you find. Feel free to love on and leave comments anywhere along the way.

xoxo
Angel

nothing too serious

I've been preparing myself for days for today. I was going to change the twitter bio. I was going to get up off my knees and start trying to walk away. I knew it was going to happen. I knew the day I tried to obey would be the day I would hear from Him and sure enough it was.

He kik'd me this morning. It took all of about 6 messages for it go from civil to me on my knees. From there to a very deep discussion about needs and weaknesses and just where the fuck do we go from here.

Can He pick me up and put me down at will... whenever He has a need and only then? Yes. He can. Can I deal with that? Yes. I can. But like I told Him... in that situation, the only thing I can promise is to be here if he calls for me. But I can't promise not to flirt, to follow the rules he set... not to seek the attention I need elsewhere while He is gone off trying hard to forget I exist.

He seemed agreeable to this. So this is our new dynamic. If we are not speaking, he does not exist. If we are speaking, no one else does. This works for me.

I don't have to go through the pain of letting go and He has a safe, undemanding place to run too when His need becomes greater than His desire to resist it.

Denied

Denied

I love the feeling of being owned that comes with being denied... or given permission, or instruction and to be held to certain expectations for that matter. I have been without proper ownership enough to know that even denials are to be appreciated as they mean that He is exerting His ownership. He is reinforcing that He is the one in control... that He is the one making the decisions. Doing so is an expression of His desire to fill that role in my life. Denial or approval both leave me wanting to be on my knees for Him.