This is something I struggle with. This idea of total abandon. Giving in to the darkest desires He can pull from me. I know it is desperately and terrifyingly dark in the hidden recesses of my soul. What kind of person will I be if I allow those demons out to play? As it is, it is very easy for my lust to overrun my good sense and wreak havoc on my life. I've missed deadlines, hurt those I loved, almost lost jobs, done things that could easily land me in jail all because someone riled my lusty inner Jezebel up.
My mother tried so hard to raise a pretty, polite, well mannered lady. Mostly, I think she did a pretty good job. I am well mannered. Most of the time I am well behaved and more so since I've gotten older, have a bunch of kids of my own. But, I am a little more crazy than my mother would liked and I have quite a few less morals than she wanted me to have, of that I am certain.
Even with those looser morals, I still find myself feeling shy, hesitant and blushy at so many things that Sir suggests. Things He truly believes I will find myself wanting, craving, possibly even begging for.
I have a very vivid imagination but my real life experiences are woefully sad and incomplete in comparison to His. There are so many things that I just can't seem to wrap my head around because I've never experienced anything like it. I ask a lot of questions trying to properly imagine the situation and how I would react to it. I will do just about anything to figure out a way to sample those things or put myself in those situations. (see the post about coffee from a few days ago).
When I first started on this journey a few short years ago, I could not understand photos like this one:
After being exposed to Dominant personalities over the past couple of years, I have a better understanding of why this patient exposing of oneself is interesting for the Dom. Sort of.
What I struggle with is my reaction to that situation. To be naked, exposed and simply watched doing nothing more than being still. The very idea of it makes me feel sort of bonkers. I can't imagine that I would do well in this situation. How long does something like this last? Is anything said during such a moment? I can only imagine myself getting bored, antsy, irritated. That is not at all what is conveyed in the photos... In the photos the sub appears to be at peace, perfectly happy to be so exposed, so intently observed yet not at all acknowledged as even being present. No words are spoken to her, He doesn't touch her.
Sooooo, does that make me a bad sub? not really a sub? or is it just simply that I have never been in that position so my thoughts on it and my reaction to it are completely inaccurate?
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